This is not gonna be easy

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cacums
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This is not gonna be easy

Post by cacums »

I’ve talked to some of you outside of the forum about the struggle I am going through.

Although I am ashamed of my actions, embarrassed with who I’ve become, being honest and open is what I need to do.

I’m an alcoholic.

I drank fifth after fifth since Autumn 2017. My boyfriend told me my drinking scared him and worried him Summer of 2019, but I kept drinking. The first time I quit lasted a week, the second barely lasted 8 hours. I was senselessly numbing the past, trying to forget my past, too scared to think of the trauma, abuse, and assault. I didnt realize my future was so much better than I deserved. And I drank it away..

Late Saturday night, early Sunday morning after working third shift me and my boyfriend came home. He told me he’s not happy, that we don’t have any longevity. He told me he’s not going to change his mind, because he’s been unhappy for so long. Five long years full of empty promises that I truly meant to fulfill, but got lost in the whiskey.

There’s no excuse, everything is my fault. I consciously made the decision to keep drinking even after he warned me that it scared him. I just kept drinking.

I wanna better myself, I want to grow up, I want to become the man I’ve always wanted to be. I want to prove to him that I’m worth taking a chance with. Our home, our cat, our life… I want to better myself, I want to grow up, I want to become the man I’ve always wanted to be. I want to prove to myself and him that I have improved.

I asked him if I get help and get better if things can be resolved and we can love each other again. He told me he hopes so, but there are no promises. It’s all up to me. I just wanna go home. The fear of losing him forever is enough to make me quit cold turkey and never look back .
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MajorHoy
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Re: This is not gonna be easy

Post by MajorHoy »

If it was easy to quit, everybody would be doing it.

Good luck in your efforts, and good luck finding the right professionals who can aid you on the path of overcoming addiction/dependence, even if they are just providing support to however you confront the problem.

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PrinceAlarming
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Re: This is not gonna be easy

Post by PrinceAlarming »

You can’t let the fear control you. You have to face your demons and deal with the negativity of your past. I was traumatically assaulted about a decade ago and it’s had a negative affect on my love life ever since. I’m in my mid thirties and I’ve never been in a long term relationship. It’s difficult to talk about but that’s part of the healing process. I have a very addictive personality which is why I never allowed myself to drink, gamble, or do drugs. I’m a shopaholic with an addiction to caffeine from soda which is ruining my teeth. I’m lucky to be dating a great guy right now, but I’m so used to being single that I often forget that I’m off the market when a handsome guy walks by; luckily though since I’m not promiscuous it hasn’t been an issue. But it took a lot of soul searching to get to where I am. Talking about it is key to living with it.

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Re: This is not gonna be easy

Post by waysway »

cacums wrote: Tue Jan 07, 2020 4:52 am
I’m an alcoholic.
Cacums, it was brave of you to be honest about your alcohol dependence...

I hope (this year) you'll be able to tackle your reasons for overdrinking, to help you maintain your relationship.

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Michael
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Re: This is not gonna be easy

Post by Michael »

You need a support network. Have you looked into AA?
How do you know what kind of pictures they are if you're such a lay-dee?

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Re: This is not gonna be easy

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Michael wrote: Sun Jan 19, 2020 3:26 pm You need a support network. Have you looked into AA?
Good point

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cacums
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Re: This is not gonna be easy

Post by cacums »

Michael wrote: Sun Jan 19, 2020 3:26 pm You need a support network. Have you looked into AA?
Yes, I went to the meetings for about 2 1/2 weeks and then I found an addiction therapist who has helped me even more than the group meetings. I have a very good sponsor, who is now practically an older brother to me. We work in the same place which makes it convenient and easy to talk to.

My boyfriend has taken me back into his life. He just needed to see that I wanted to improve. Everything is going the way it should.

I'm in rehearsals for an Opera right now. I have tons of support for the people there, as I was open and honest about my problem.

30 days sober and enjoying every moment of it. :)
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MajorHoy
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Re: This is not gonna be easy

Post by MajorHoy »

cacums wrote: Mon Feb 03, 2020 2:45 am
Michael wrote: Sun Jan 19, 2020 3:26 pmYou need a support network. Have you looked into AA?
Yes, I went to the meetings for about 2 1/2 weeks and then I found an addiction therapist who has helped me even more than the group meetings. I have a very good sponsor, who is now practically an older brother to me. We work in the same place which makes it convenient and easy to talk to.

My boyfriend has taken me back into his life. He just needed to see that I wanted to improve. Everything is going the way it should.

I'm in rehearsals for an Opera right now. I have tons of support for the people there, as I was open and honest about my problem.

30 days sober and enjoying every moment of it. :)
Glad to hear the update is a positive one.

Hope all continues in that direction, and that you are also able to use your new-found support if there are any rough spots ahead in your path.

Again, good luck with it.

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Michael
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Re: This is not gonna be easy

Post by Michael »

I'm glad it's going well for you! Keep it up!
How do you know what kind of pictures they are if you're such a lay-dee?

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Re: This is not gonna be easy

Post by idkahoy »

cacums wrote: Mon Feb 03, 2020 2:45 am
My boyfriend has taken me back into his life ... 30 days sober
Good news. Well done, Cacums.

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